Suicidal Death-Saskatchewan

This past week I was quite disturbed from the breaking news that happened in Saskatchewan. Three children were murdered along with his girlfriend. The man ended up committing suicide leaving the new born child unharmed.  A 27 year old male became extremely possessive, jealous, and obsessive in this tumultuous relationship that he at no return lost control of himself. The girlfriend had an ex husband; he came around to see the children every so often, and when the time came he decided it was enough to see this man. It was said that he had a mental condition. No one knows what it was. But all I can say is, he was very dangerous. This person was beyond his control. He murdered the three children took pictures and sent them to the ex husband. Then he committed suicide leaving a young baby alive. From my understanding life is too precious. Anything can end in one second, and nothing in this world will guarantee you safety. I came to realize how much I should value my existence. The sunlight, the starry night or even the pain and disappointments to feel inside my heart. This is a part of life, this is what it means to live and be a free human being. At least I know my emotions, and I can control them. No one is at mercy for your life, but yourself. This poor woman loved blindly, and he was delusional. Their eyes were closed, not realizing how their love was reaching to death. From reading this crime story on the news, I realized how important it is to never put your life into the hands of someone else.


Mailer Demon

The fundamentals of sending the proper email for work, friends, and anything in relation to keep up in this crazy society that thrives on technology. The worst feeling in the world is when you feel like every single punctuation is perfect, every word, paragraph, sentence and the tone for each noun and adjective is spot on. Then suddenly the excitement hits, and you feel as if when you click sent, the whole world changes. Communication is smooth and the other person wherever he/she may be will get that perfect letter, that amazing constructed email. You as the writer feel as though you have accomplished something quite extrodinary because every time that was spent on writing that email, you thought it through, every word was carefully selected, and the punctuation was ardently looked over.

Then suddenly the email is approved and you hit sent. About 10-15 minutes later, the failure notice hits MAILER DEMON, probably one of the most annoying malfunctions. The email is one of the only ways to communicate around the globe. Especially for important emails related to careers, jobs, school and other family related issues. Why!! Google why do this to me?? Gmail, has a very supportive user like me, and the last thing I need on my plate right now is to see the MAILER DEMON notice. Definitely not the best way to waste my time trying to figure out how I can fix my gmail account while I can focus on sending emails rather than un-sending them. The frustration’s of an immense email user like me, I must say that I can only tell you I am not very pleased with this expierence today. There is no direct customer service number where I can call and rant on about my very unpleasant expierence sending emails that morning. Watch out for the emails, those ones a killer it is not compatible with gmail so it clearly was reversing my email senders. However those contact were extremely important and one of the only ways I could connect with those individuals. So far I wish myself the best of luck with my future endeavor’s with my email expierence.


Sleepless Nights

Sleepless nights. Tossing and turning. Just one of those things that can be so hard to control. In some cases almost uncontrollable. It was so challenging to sleep even for a brief a moment, and let the mind relax. After a long day at work I’ve come to realize that I cannot expect to control other people’s actions under my own terms. Paranoia suddenly kicks in, and then before you know it, one hour passes by and then another. Then suddenly every sound is highly efficient every single little movement can be seen, there are too many disruptions going on in one hour. The brain starts to go on and on and you just start thinking ridicoulous non-sense to things in your mind. What if this person significantly hates my guts? What if there is some sort of strange bizarre scheme going on behind my back that I am not aware of? Am I happy with my current job? Am I even satisfied with my current situation with my life? These ridicoulous questions begin to sink into my sub-conscious and then suddenly I start to overthink and then I begin to get worried over the little small things in life. Anxieties are one of the main topics that has been talked over way too much. But it is one of those conditions that I think should be discussed quite seriously. Have we moved too quickly to meet our expectations to be fully satisfied? Or to prove to society that we are good enough individuals to impress everyone in life, friends and family. And then there is that one current topic we all love to talk about which is “money”. How am I going to pay off for my next mortgage. How can meet up for that next student loan? Am I making the right decision of going into that career?

The night just seems longer and shorter at the same time.


Pho Xai

The Portrait of Pho Xai

Lately I’ve been looking back at the neo-classical art, and renaissance styles in my “Nineteenth Century Paintings & Sculpture: Collection Mr. and Mrs. Joseph M. Tanenbaum” artwork. I must say that even though I am not significantly a professional in the visual arts, it is definitely one of the best works to examine while alone. This portrait is a simple sketch of a young boy in a royal attire. It is an Oil on Canvas painted in 1861 by artist Jean-Leon Gerome. This sketch originally was a preparation for a more grandeaur to a total of eighty portraits. As I examine this carefully I feel as though this young boy’s expression is full of assertiveness as a young prince compelled to his duty. His eyes say it all as though he fears what he lacks to his role. A dark expression of hope and fear all in one, but at the same time an arrogance that is not hard to see on his profile.


Pho Xai, Oil On Canvas by Jean Léon Gérôme (1824-1904, France)


The two major traits of austerity and boldness combine together. The head is painted carefully almost delicate and thin. The skull’s features are sharp and intimidating. This young boys intelligence seemed quite advanced for his age, but also a person with power and extreme influence. The soft flesh is seen to the skull and its carefully painted with clear accuracy. The round cheeks and dark shades under the eyes. The nose is thin and the side profile on his left is a perfect shadow under a beautiful sunlight. The gold outfit speaks to the audience his role in society and the standards that are given to him as a young prince. A huge responsibility given to a young child, he also speaks to me in fear, as though he may not sustain the full duty of a man trapped in a young boy’s body. A clear insight of this portrait I thought it would be interesting to give my opinion on this mysterious painting by Jean-Leon Gerome.

The Portrait of Pho Xai was appeared at the “Reception of the Siamese Ambassadors” It opened in Siam to trade with the Western countries, and in 1856 he acclaimed a treaty with France that called an exchange with ambassadors. Gerome painted the Son of the Second Ambassador of Siam to France. He was known as Pho Xai.


<“The Other Nineteenth Century Paintings & Sculpture: Collection of Mr.Mrs. Joseph M. Tanenbaum. National Gallery of Canada. 1978.”>


Wasting this time of hour with my brain. Its so tiresome and long.  When will the right motivation have me to write and not stop until its addicting. Everything will be written down from what was visible to the previous days, and any kind of conversation from “words” topics, or brief sentences will be recorded.

So far …I’ve observed the nature of peoples “behavior”. It might sound cliche but humans are never true to themselves. Why lie? Pretend to act as if there is no knowledge of who they “really are” and follow their leader to belong somewhere. Its that feeling that at least one person wants to “belong”: be accepted and not ridiculed or left out. At some point everyone have felt this way, we will not be the only ones in this universe. So the question I ask myself is “What thrives people to be accepted?” Is it to increase the ego? To be loved? Or is it just out of pure boredom. There will never be a clear answer for such a complicated question. So here are a couple of examples of peoples behavior. A quote from “Joseph Campbell’s The Hero with A Thousand Faces” explains the fears of people psychologically and the limitations we go through to survive in society:

“The individual, through prolonged psychological disciplines, gives up completely all attachment to his personal limitations, idiosyncrasies, hopes and fears, no longer resists the self-annihilation that is prerequisite to rebirth in the realization of truth, and so becomes ripe, at last, for the great at-one-ment. His personal ambitions being totally dissolved, he no longer tries to live but willingly relazes to whatever may come to pass in him.” (Campbell, Joseph pg. 205)

The person no longer cares about what they are, who they are. It is a matter of letting go.  The truth sub-consciously kicks in and awakens their self -worth of what it is they want, like and other interests etc.. The person soon realizes that their goals are no longer one of their main priorities but it is the distractions of wanting to belong in a group or acceptance is clear.